Yes, it’s true and in an ironic twist, this was the first time ever, after taking thousands of trips, the FIRST TIME I BOUGHT INSURANCE! Can you believe it? I couldn’t, even though my duffel bag had my second camcorder (Sony action cam with underwater housing) and four microphones (including my Rode shotgun), headphones, not to mention my unmentionables.
Today, after two-and-a-half days (disembarked Aug. 18) I came home and found my duffel bag parked next to my front door. All secured with those thick cable ties and everything intact. Bless you, Carnival Guest Services for following up on my tortured emails and postings on your Facebook page. (Not really bad, trust me.)
Now that I’m in a better mood, here goes with my criticism of my cruise. As usual, Carnival delivered what they promise at a value. This was my daughter’s Sweet Sixteen Birthday Celebration. She chose to go on a cruise with her two BFFs (and her ancient old mariner dad) instead of a Sweet Sixteen party for 50 with a DJ, caterer, banquet hall, dance floor, the whole shebang. Personally I think she’s crazy, but that’s another story. Most of it is being told in the videos I’m in the middle of editing, due to be released on my YouTube channel TeachinTV.
I’d been on two other ships of this class, Destiny (now Sunshine) and Victory. I like the way-out interior design and once you get used to going up to go down to eat in the aft MDR, getting around it is easy. I wish they had more obvious signs indicating which way is aft and forward, sort of like the way the fish swim in Norwegian’s ships’ carpets.
I’d been on two other ships of this class, Destiny (now Sunshine) and Victory. I like the way-out interior design and once you get used to going up to go down to eat in the aft MDR, getting around it is easy. I wish they had more obvious signs indicating which way is aft and forward, sort of like the way the fish swim in Norwegian’s ships’ carpets.
Cabin: Was terrific, actually we had two of them, interior, forward (near the bow) separated by a stewards’ closet. Up on the Lido, it was near enough to things vertically. On the other hand, I am absolutely sure that one of the reasons that I didn’t put on ANY weight on this 7-night cruise was because of the distance I covered going aft, for damned near EVERYTHING. I wore out the tread in my sandals. I loved the proximity to the “secret decks” that I’m SURE no one reading this knows about. Right. We had a problem with flooding in the bathroom caused by a crack in the shower pan. They fixed it by the end of day two. Other little problems: a flashing overhead light fixture, a balky bedside lamp switch that I didn’t report, but were fixed. I rigged my walls with magnets, including a couple for my electrical cord that connected to the CPAP across the room. I also brought my power strip to charge all my devices, including battery chargers galore. I liked the “new” re-design, with ample storage, brightened blue and off-white bathrooms and a decent TV. My neighbors were perfectly…neighborly.
Shore Excursions: One out of three was bought through Carnival, two arranged by TripAdvisor consultants. Cozumel, we felt confident getting off of the ship and locating a beach place on our own, which we did. Ocean VIP proved to be a reasonable deal, guaranteed to get you back to the ship without forcing you to become a pier runner. (See my video! Soon come.) Unless…you take advantage of their all-inclusive beverage deal. The food was surprisingly good and plentiful. Typical offerings including a decent fish taco and guac. The beach itself is relatively narrow, sandwiched between other beachfront condo/restaurant/tourist traps. I was surprised at how these boats and jet-skis picked their way between the snorkelers. Miracle, no one got propped! Mahogany Bay, Roatan was the most fun. Another one we booked outside of the cruise line. After climbing and then riding ballistically on the back of a little pickup truck and then climbing even higher, we rode a series of like, six or seven zip-lines that encourage to scream your bloody face off, which I did. Hell of a way to descend from a jungle-covered mountaintop down to street level. It scared me witless. Seriously. After zip-lines, we went to the wildlife area where we got to play with the monkeys, hamsters and pet a three-toed sloth. (Face reminded me of Yoda.) For lunch we got ripped off at the restaurant at the zip-line place, but we let it go for six bucks. The food featured the “iguana platter” which we had to try. It tasted like…chicken with small bones. The skin was a little bit off-putting. The beer with the steamship on the label was a very tasty pilsner. On the way to the pier they stopped at a hilltop “shopping center” (row of market stalls) with a wonderful view of the ships. The girls and I had a great time all in all on that day. Belize made me wonder why I got off the ship. Of course we booked the cave and tubing tour through Carnival—and freakin’ missed it! They did put my girls onto another excursion that put them on a boat, then on a beach. And I got a semi-refund. They had a great time although complained about overpaying for scanty chicken and rice. As for me, I booked the Rum Distillery and City Tour. What a fool. It was a total scam; I should have figured it was, after all, Belize. Impossible to shoot video from a moving school bus on THOSE barely paved roads with sleeping policemen every fifty yards or so. The best place to grab photos, the main church, was closed, off-limits. Their colonial architecture is interesting but hardly distinctive. It’s hodgepodge, some of it is well-kept, some of it is rundown beyond belief. The town itself lacks character and a true center. The shopping area where the tenders unload is completely artificial. The highlight of the city tour was the drive-in cemetery. Then came the rum distillery visit, which promised “A FREE SAMPLE.” The museum was small, lots of small stuff like bottles, wood tools and broken glass, mainly photos enlarged. Boring. No real “treasures,” not much to see. Then behind the plate glass wall you get to watch the ladies slap labels on bottles while some guys in the back stand around with clipboards and some others pour stuff in a hopper. By the time I was ready for my “FREE SAMPLE” I needed a stiff shot of rum. Instead, my “FREE SAMPLE” was fruit juice with a drop of rum. It was so bad my tongue and taste buds revolted, I put the full cup down and bought a bottle of water--I needed to wash out my mouth. The entire “presentation” was a prolonged sales pitch for their rum. I found a guy outside selling these outrageously delicious fresh-roasted locally picked cashews and I gorged myself on them. It made my day. George Town, Grand Cayman is a lovely place to park your money, and visit it once a year. If you’re a diver, you’re in heaven. If you’re not, you’re in Boredom Borough. I advise that once you’ve gone to Stingray City, Turtle Kraals (used to be known as…), Hell and back, you’ve done it all. Notable for gracious and polite hospitality in clean, featureless places. The cuisine is…the usual island stuff, nothing distinctive as found in Haiti, Martinique, Cuba, Puerto Rico, Jamaica but borrows from all of them. Seven Mile Beach isn’t even seven miles. Typical Caribbean exaggeration, but it is a pretty beach. Nice if you can afford it.
Entertainment: Of course, to a professional curmudgeon such as myself, I found the MOST entertainment was people-watching. I loved the elderly couple with the lady in the wheelchair who dressed in alike tropical gear; I loved all of the groups celebrating reunions, weddings, wakes, you name it; I loved the barflies smoking their brains out in the casino; the guy shaking his cocktail contest entry poolside; the older couple playing the Marriage Game… I could continue, but onto the PROFESSIONALS. To my mind, Carnival has settled into a formula that is all about reducing costs. How? They hire second-rate comedians, no one breaking new territory, sticking to throwing in the “F” word often enough to be “funny.” Sebastian Whatisname was completely forgettable. At least he didn’t rip off George Carlin, which probably would have helped his act. Another way they scrimp is in the music: they hire solo acts that are accompanied by their electronic gear. It’s expensive to pay bands! That’s another reason why you’re hearing recorded music in the “really big shows” in the theater. Another way they save money is in set design, construction and stagehands. They throw a few sticks and pipes together, call it a set and wheel it around the stage. The main “set” is provided by a giant rear-projection screen. The dancing is more gymnastics and cheerleading, although the vocal delivery by the singer/dancers was was pretty good. I loved the way they all presented their version of Motown, without one black performer. The piano guy singer was adequate in the piano bar, delivering dependable covers of Elton John, Barry Manilow and Billy Joel. The rock band poolside did a decent job delivering dependable covers of Aerosmith, The Police, Van Halen. The Caribbean guy on steel drum delivered dependable covers of Jimmy Cliff, Bob Marley and Harry Belafonte. The girl guitar players singers delivered dependable covers of Joni Mitchell, Judy Collins, Joan Baez, kd laing. The best music came from the jazz band, complete with horn section and a real live drummer! Caught their act in the atrium bar. Damn good version of Coltrane! I have to give credit where it’s due: that adorable Cruise Director Julie OOPS, I mean Brittney put on a helluva show! Without revealing one square inch of skin (other than lower legs) she projected her personality without forcing it, with a vocal delivery that is smooth, professionally perky coupled with a set of facial expressions that are totally practiced, with her lips outlined in bright red, clown-like. She was GREAT!
Service: Once again, the “Jack Factor” played well. That’s what I call being recognized and called by my name by crew/staff/officers/masseuses, named after my friend Jack who ONLY sails on Carnival because he loves hearing his name spoken aloud. From Santiago the waiter, a smart guy with a quick wit; from A-a-RON, the Maitre D (Aaron) in the Golden Restaurant who handled my problem with my original table assignment with aplomb; Larisa who welcomed me personally to the Platinum Restaurant warmly each subsequent evening; last to Gemma, our cabin stewardess, who adopted ALL of us—as my “next ex-wife.” (I hope she read that and laughed out loud.) She dubbed my daughter and cohorts as her “Little Angels” and took care of them, and saw that my ice bucket was always full and equipped with clean glasses. To drink out of, not to see through.
Teen Club: It was policed by Carnival Security, which I can tell you for certain. For a moment they prevented me from entering it to check on my daughter and her friends. They kept their their eyes on me as I walked around the place with my hands in my pockets, trying to discern their faces in the romantic, dark light. Teens were dancing on the floor, some wherever they were, drinking countless virgin pina coladas and acting very sophisticated. I loved it, but was asked to leave them to their fun.
Activities: As a videographer, I’m not a participant, I’m a witness. I loved watching the video I shot of that “Love and Marriage Game” thing they have; saw people going crazy shaking their cocktail creations at the poolside contest; watched a mile-long conga line snake its way around the ship at the late-night deck party; I watched a not very hairy guy win the “Hairy Chest” contest; of course I signed up to sing karaoke until this older guy got up and killed his version of some country song. That guy could freakin’ sing, damn if I was going to follow THAT guy.
Dining: I’ve become accustomed to the ways that Carnival is producing more with less. Anything more costs. I coughed up for two meals for four at the Emerald Room Steakhouse. I coughed up for the Seafood Shack. I don’t stand in line for food EVER, but I did wait for a couple of minutes behind two other people at Guy’s Burger Joint. I completely missed out at the Deli. Too damned busy! I missed out on the tacos for lunch, but I did have a burrito for breakfast. Forget the buffet now at this point. They have completely shifted their focus away from variety to producing a few staples. The fact is that they refuse to feature the best damned food produced in that galley is the INDIAN FOOD! Their way of saving costs is to siphon away people who LOVE a variety of cuisines toward the Mexican place and the burger joint, both of which produce satisfying food at low cost. Meanwhile they’ve upped their game in the MDR by slimming down the choices and producing higher quality food with better, more creative recipes and presentations. I did see the requisite carving station at the buffet. I loved the lobster salad, but didn’t like the way they make it look like more by placing it carefully on a shallow trench in the roll. In general, the entrees were good to excellent (braised beef short ribs). The side dishes were mediocre (mashed potatoes?) to good (ratatouille). The steaks in the MDR (striploin) were every bit as good as the fatty, sinewy steaks (Cowboy, NY Strip) served in the Steakhouse. Lobster is my favorite thing, prefer it broiled which was fine. As far as my inner foodie’s opinion is concerned, the one thing that ALL Carnival ships do well is chocolate. They start by purchasing a high-quality European chocolate that is the foundation for EVERY scrumptious dessert they produce, with a couple of exceptions. WAY better than NCL or RCCL's chocolate desserts with a discernible depth of flavor. I’m not going to review individual dishes here. Too long to go into. Watch my video, coming soon. As I said to our dining companions, an older quartet NOT my 16 year olds, who watched me leave piles of leftovers on plates in front of me, horrified: "I’m sorry I’m not an eater, I’m a taster." (You don’t have to clean your plate. Your leftovers are processed onboard into fish food. I’m doing my part to help the fish live well.)
