The Honest Truth About Cruises
Everything is a scam on this boat. We arrived to our room the first day to find it to be about the size of a coffin; for the $1800 price tag for only 6 nights, Iʼd say this is the price for suckers. We specifically booked an ocean view room to have fresh air through the window. Well, come to find out, the
window does not open at all, and there is absolutely no ocean view. The window was the size of a human head, and absolutely nothing was viewable through it. Despite this, we had a “queen” bed (which is actually two twin beds pushed together, so forget any vacation cuddling with your significant other).
I called due to being claustrophobic and wanting to upgrade to a balcony stateroom, which they pleasantly declined and said “we are sorry, what you got is what you get.” Such professionalism. Still, we had a shower and toilet, and could “make it through” our vacation just fine by spending adequate time on the outside decks where there is actual air. You must know, you will be exceptionally cold while on board though. The air conditioning is cranked to maximum throughout the entire ship. So be prepared for this when switching between the deck and the cabin, as you will go from a beautiful natural, warm ocean air, to a disgusting and cramped stuffiness. If youʼre seeking metaphors, think meat freezer, or the temperature of a morgue. It was cranked so high, that our skin dried from the inside out, and a 12 year old we traveled with had asthma issues for the first time in years. I wonder why they keep the air conditioning at this level, maybe it is a preference of the typical “cruiser,” but in my experience it was awful. Still, the unbreathable air was not the worst aspect yet.
The food, oh the food! How unreliable cruisecritic.comʼs advice was for preparing ourselves. They must be in bed with Norwegian Cruise Line for praising the food on the Dawn. How anyone could compliment such atrocities to cuisine is beyond me. I have NEVER in my entire life been more disgusted with the food I was forced to eat, through having no other choice. Norwegian Cruise food must be acceptable to those who eat microwaved frozen dinners, for that is exactly what we were fed. There is something extremely creepy about the fancy decor of each restaurant, having them lavish us with respect by placing our towels on our laps, treating us like royalty, and then serving us microwaved frozen egg rolls on ceramic dinner plates.
They give you the illusion of being served edible, real food, with the presentation of their “specialty” restaurants, but this is not the case. The Italian restaurant, La Cucina, sold us the same frozen cracker pizza that was served in the cafeteria for free, for a price tag of $16! How embarrassing to everyone involved! I never knew placing one basil leaf on the top of a frozen pizza made it worthy of serving in a restaurant. Besides the Morderno, which was very good, but booked full with no vacancy after our first night on the cruise, the majority of the specialty restaurants seemed like your typical “fake fancy” scam.
Well, “at least you had time to relax,” is one thing you may be thinking to yourself. Ha! The cruise line is in your face every step of the way; from every turn on the cruise ship to swarming you with offers the second you step off the boat. This was the least relaxing vacation of my life. Money, money, money.
“Do you want a picture?”
“Do you want a shore excursion?”
“Taxi?”
“Do you want to jet ski?”
“Do you want to give us any cash you have on you for no particular reason whatsoever?”
“No.”
“I want you to leave me alone.”
Now, let me get to the thick of it. The cruise line is NOT your friend. I am convinced if they could charge you for the air you breathe, they would. EVERYTHING has a price. They come up to you during your dinner and BEG you to take YOUR picture. They are literally harassing you while you eat. Now, after they have thoroughly interrupted your meal, they say “Iʼll come back during dessert to show you.” Wouldnʼt any friend take your picture for free? Wouldnʼt even a stranger youʼre passing by in the street be happy to snap a picture of you and your significant other? Well, when the cruise line returns, they have a gigantic printed and framed picture of you that they will charge you $25 dollars for. Who has any use for an object like this? Who has $25 dollars to spend on one picture? How do I even post this picture to my instagram? I canʼt even upload it! Donʼt they realize these days people are taking thousands of pictures at no cost to them via the cell phones in their pockets, and actually putting them to immediate use? The answer is no. No, we wonʼt send you a digital copy for free. No. We donʼt care about you. All we want is your money.
And that is totally fine. Itʼs a business. But do you truly have the desire to be treated like this while on vacation? I think this is an important question to ask yourself before booking. And please donʼt look for ways to justify it, because there are none. There are endless options out there, and you will be
treated like an actual human going elsewhere on a vacation. Even JetBlue flights offer free movies. On the ship, you will be spending ten dollars a piece, to watch one movie on a 15 inch screen 15 feet away from you. Drinking water is two dollars a bottle, and you are not allowed to bring any on board with you. Beers are around $12 after tax & tip!
Shall we continue? Letʼs talk about WiFi. As unfortunate as it is to admit, WiFi is becoming a commodity, especially to the younger travelers. Well, for only $89.95 you can have access to just your SOCIAL MEDIA, per person. Or, you can splurge and get 100 minutes of all access internet for $75. The timer though, counts two seconds for every second real time, so 100 minutes would be more like $150. I am fairly certain, that almost every hotel, bar, restaurant, etc on earth has WiFi for free. Not the case here folks. And when you purchase it, make sure youʼre happy not using it, because it resembles the speed of a dial up 56k modem, and hardly works at all. You could instead, take your money, put it in the toilet, close the cover, and press flush. And please donʼt get me started on the toilets, but the reeking stench that spreads from stern to bow, is still more forgivable than the food they serve.
One night, to get our money worth, we ordered just about everything on the room service menu, for a convenience charge of only $7.95. Thinking we finally had the upper hand, we awaited in excitement to finally feel like we had a win on this vacation. Oh boy, were we wrong! And such fools we were to think this. The bread of the triple decker peanut butter and jelly from the kids menu (first of all, what kind of human being wants their kids to eat a TRIPLE DECKER peanut butter and jelly?) was completely stale. The Caesar salad was like water & mayo dumped on lettuce. And speaking of
mayo, they decided to spread this particular condiment all over the hotdog........... “what?” You heard me right. So after eating about three dollars and fifty cents worth of food, we felt scammed yet again.
Besides all this, the crew is very nice, almost in a scary way. Has Norwegian snatched their passports and imprisoned them, only to let them free if they smile at every customer for 8 months straight? I donʼt have answers to these questions, but it sure does feel like something fishy is going on. And speaking of fishy, hopefully fishy shower water doesnʼt bother you, because I didnʼt feel clean after a single one.
But anyway, itʼs been nice chatting. I hope your vacation experience with Norwegian is better than mine. If youʼre the type of person who likes frozen dinners, $12 cans of beer, and people who smile in your face even though they secretly hate you, then Iʼm sure youʼll have the time of your life!
