The Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2019 (Part 1)

We can’t believe it’s already that time of year, but it’s time for our bi-annual weirdest cruise reviews! As always, we’ve got some winners so far this year, including someone who refused to lose sight of their suitcase in the hallway, a tea snob that couldn't be satisfied, and overwhelmed cruiser who was actually upset because there were too many activities to do. Let’s get right into it!

1. Can’t We All Just Get Oolong?

The Gist: This reviewer was appalled because she didn’t receive her tea (that she had a photo of on her phone!) correctly… four times. Four times? Wow… talk about déjà brew.

Best Quote: “The grossest tea creations are made by pretty boy Milan Savic and his loyal helpers in the International Cafe, located in the Plaza. Captain, I want you to know that Milan is ‘very’ creative.”

Our Take: Sounds like there’s trouble brewing in the International Cafe. We appreciate that this cruiser poured their heart and soul into this review and we’re sorry the experience left them steaming mad. Hopefully Princess won’t leaf them behind and will rally a brisk response to this complaint and ensure a quali-tea cup next time. With all sinceri-tea, we have a feeling it’s in the bag.

2. Statler? Waldorf? Is that you?

The Gist: This elderly reviewer had very specific feedback, particularly in regards to entertainment on the ship.

Best Quote: “I hate audience participation shows. I am there to be entertained, not to entertain...I like string classical duets but these two were a snooze. Never play ‘Danny Boy’ too depressing.”

Our Take: When we read this review, we couldn’t stop picturing Statler and Waldorf, the two loveable, curmudgeonly muppets who shout critiques to Kermit the Frog from their private box on the Muppet Show. It’s good to know our old friends are enjoying their retirement on a cruise ship. Some people, er, muppets, will never change.

3. Not that there’s anything wrong with that..

The Gist: This reviewer bemoans that a "homosexual agenda infiltrated major shows,” critizies the cruise director’s gayness and pans Broadway hit Priscilla Queen of the Desert as an “TRANSVESTITE drag show.”

Best Quote: “The gay-ship's cruise director salted his lifestyle, without explicit warning, into most entertainment. R-rated was expected -- this was DISGUSTING.”

Our Take: OMG. This reviewer has busted open a conspiracy…. Gays!?!?! In musical theater? Well, the secret is out (pun intended) - a significant percentage of cruise ship entertainers (and entertainers in general) are LGBTQ, and thanks to increasing acceptance by mainstream society, they don’t have to hide who they are any longer. The thing is, there’s really not a secret agenda to recruit new members (you’re probably thinking of Scientologists). The original Broadway production of Priscilla was acclaimed by critics and theatre-goers alike and won 4 major awards, including a Tony. Next cruise, leave intolerance out of the suitcase and pack some love and acceptance in your carry-on.

4. Too Much to Do

The Gist: Not only did this reviewer think that many of the available onboard activities were dumb, but that there were actually too many going on. 

Best Quote: “I might try Celebrity because I want to relax versus having 890 activities thrown in my face every day.” 

Bonus Quote We Love: “My big complaint is that the Spice H2O is directly above on the back of the ship (17th deck) and when they had parties at night the music was so loud and bass vibrates the entire cabin-even with the door closed. If you like Little John singing “SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!” In your room until 1-2am, you will enjoy this room. If you want to sleep, it’s terrible.”

Our Take: We don’t think we’ve ever heard someone actually complain that there were too many activities onboard… usually it’s opposite Just because an activity is offered doesn’t mean one has to participate.

READ MORE: The Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2018 (Part 2) 

5. A watched bag is never picked up.

The Gist: The writer of this review shared an 888 word rant criticizing every facet of  their voyage. But what made us laugh was the vigilance with which the reviewer watched over their bag the last evening of the cruise.  

Best Quote: “I also did not like having to watch my luggage outside of my room for 1.5 hours (calling guest service 3 times), watching someone tamper with it and guest services (once again) lying to me several times. ‘They will be there by 12:30am latest’. so I waited. I told them several times I was staying up late, because I was sincerely worried about my luggage and they said don't worry about it. Then I contacted again at 12:30am and they said "don't worry about it". I then, AGAIN, informed them that I was watching it and staying up to watch it, and that I was willing to stay up all night watching it (night before disembarkation day) because I feared for my luggage after watching my neighbor tamper with the locks on my luggage … every other cruise line picks my luggage up (WITHOUT ME CALLING) between 2-10 minutes after I place my luggage out of the room at ANY given time that they ask for it out by, or by request.”

Our Take: It’s very unlikely that anything will happen to your locked bag, and even once it’s picked up, it’s going to be out of your sight (and control) for over 8 hours. So…you’d rather lose an entire night’s sleep instead of doing self-assist debarkation with your luggage the next morning?

6. Attention to Detail

The Gist: We have a feeling we’ve got a contractor or architect on our hands, because this reviewer had some very specific issues to point out concerning the ship’s physical quality.  

Best Quote: “Questioning the layers of paint on pines access points, and the ability to use them if required. Also the diameters of shackles and hole mismatched several locations. Electrical conduet / seal-tite pulled out exposing conductors, several locations.”

Our Take: When we ask about Ship Quality, most passengers just comment on the ship’s cleanliness or overall design; we usually don’t see specific technical issues pointed out. We have no reason to question the issues they saw, we just chuckle at the specificity.

7. Cruising to Watch TV...

The Gist: This reviewer is livid at Princess and made sure everyone knows it by peppering their review with colorful words because — we kid you not — the HDMI port on the TV wouldn’t work so they could watch their own TV shows...on a cruise....to ALASKA.  

Best Quote: “I brought a amazon fire tv stick and before getting on the ship I setup all my streaming apps so I can watch my shows at night or in the early morning. But I can’t set it up because this stupid company or whatever turned off the hdmi ports in every tv so sure there is other stuff to do and yes the entire point of going on a cruise is to see and do exciting stuff but I don’t give two s****s about site seeing. I only go on cruises to do certain activities that interest me and enjoy the cruise with my family. But I want to watch my shows when I’m not doing anything and i don’t understand why I can’t!”

Our Take: We cannot fathom a person out there who would pay to cruise to Alaska and then want to spend most of the time in their cabin watching TV. The reviewer actually said it best: “If you think I’m crazy then fine but you think this cruise should get 5 or 4 stars then you’re dead wrong this 1 Star is for everything you can do on this cruise which is great but not allowing the passengers to use their tv in their rooms doesn’t make any sense.” Yes, we actually do think you’re crazy.