Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2016 (Part 2)

It’s been another crazy year, and we thought everyone could use a few laughs before before bidding 2016 farewell. Here’s just a small taste of the strange, head-scratching and downright gross reviews we received since our last installment in June. You’ve been warned.

1. The Caribbean is a State of Mind

Photo by Dan Thornberg

The Gist: Reviewer feels that by advertising a cruise as sailing to the “Caribbean,” Carnival is promising warm weather.

Best Quote: “As a first time cruiser, I felt I had been taken advantage of... by the Carnival company, who used the word “Caribbean” to imply warm weather, but who by experience, should know that going to these places will neither be warm, nor will they be insuring that the promised Ports will be visited.”

Our Take: We always thought (and please, let us know if we’re totally off base here) that Caribbean cruises were given their name because, well, they sailed to the geographical region that includes the Caribbean Sea.

2. Not the Love Boat for Him

Photo by SeaDream Yacht Club

The Gist: Reviewer brags that he met a bunch girls on the ship, but didn’t “hook up” with any of them because he was on the cruise to scuba dive and went to bed early.

Best Quote: “I even meet a girl that I had my Senior dates with back in class of 1952 on the boat. ... I meet another girl that was a honey to visit with she also had a friend Angle that was also a very sweet person. … I am not a night person so I did not [hook] up with any girl as I was there to dive and like to go to bed at 8 [or] 8:30. Some of my friends at the coffee shop where I drink coffee at 5:00 AM could not believe that I did not hook up with someone.”

Our Take: We can believe it. And it was definitely because of that pesky sleep cycle.

3. One Drink For You, Two For Me

Photo by Celebrity Cruises

The Gist: A recovering alcoholic fell off the wagon after being told she must purchase a drink package on her cruise.

Best Quote: “Carnival told her she had to buy 2 drink packages, one for me and one for her. She told them she was a recovering alcoholic and they told her it didn't matter. She instead bought a few bottles for me to have in the room. Problem with that is she now had alcohol right in front of her... She ended up drinking most of what was in the room and then started buying drinks at the bars. I guess it was a way for Carnival to make money and ruin someone's life at the same time.”

Our Take: A cruise is not an easy place for a recovering alcoholic, but what really has us scratching our heads is why they thought getting “some bottles for the room” was a good idea. Still, we do agree that the cruise line policies that require both passengers in a cabin to buy the drink package might need a second look.

4. One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Photo by Lars Hallstrom

The Gist: Reviewer claims to have found a prosthetic breast under the bed.

Best Quote: “The favorite part of the cruise was sharing the times with my family! the least favorite part finding a fake boob under my bed and carnival losing my suitcase!”

Our Take: For our own sanity, we’re going to assume that this was some sort of stress ball. Or, as the line goes, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

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5. Do you like drunks on a ship? Would you let them ruin your trip?

Photo by Carnival Cruise Line

The Gist: A father expected a cruise for children when he booked a short, weekend sailing to the Bahamas on Carnival.

Best Quote: “I have been on Royal Caribbean cruises before and was excited to bring my kids on what I thought would be a "Cat in the Hat, Dr Seuss" inspired kids cruise. What it turned out to be was a drunk fest for people who have no regard for others... There was unlimited drinking everywhere. There was vomit in the pools and someone defecated on deck 1 and on deck 5 outside of the elevators.”

Our Take: Well, the Cat in the Hat is known for causing mayhem, just not necessarily this kind of mayhem. We do feel bad for the father here as this is something we never want to encounter on board, but it’s a great reminder that weekend cruises are basically party cruises while families stick to 7-night sailings.

6. Is your period button broken?

Photo by wavebreakmedia

The Gist: A reviewer writes a 525 word cruise review without a single period, comma or semicolon.

Best Quote: “I enjoyed most of my first cruise the only parts that I have to say that I frowned upon were that we boarded the ship late about 2 to 3 hours late ( less time to get situated) missed out on show's and things to do we missed a port completely RAN into and I mean straight into the storm the boat actually tipped on its side for like 10 minutes our bathroom door slammed shut broke off the handle snapped the screw in half and was jammed shut got home super early less time for our last shows and foods now for the good parts we did book excursions we went to forever Florida omg Soooooooooo much fun but was disappointed that carnival didn't pay for more things at this port after this we had a hot stones massage it was nice but the ladies after were trying to push products onto us they were nice don't get me wrong but pushy as all get out learned allot for Nassau we booked the native quest....”

Our Take: We know that not everyone is a writer, but that review goes on for an additional 350 words without stopping. We felt winded just reading it.