Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2017 (Part 1)

It’s that time of year again! We’ve been hard at work collecting some of the most absurd and hilarious reviews into one place for your reading pleasure. Curl up, grab some popcorn, and read on. But just remember...you’ve been warned.

1. Hansel and Gretel

Photo by Thinkstock/Stephanie Deissner

The Gist: Apparently candy is a great incentive for more heavyset people to take the stairs, as suggested by this review.

Best Quote: “[Post] a sign suggesting that capable people (perhaps overweight but physically capable) to try the stairs when they only need to travel one or two decks. Maybe place candies or chocolates halfway up each stairwell as an incentive to take the stairs.”

Our Take: Why doesn’t the reviewer take the stairs, so they don’t have to worry about any of the elevator issues that are apparently so prominent on all of their voyages? If they truly need the elevator, like for a carriage, just go with the flow, reviewer! You’re on vacation, so try to slow down and roll with the punches.

2. Nobody Expects the Celebrity Inquisition

Photo by Thinkstock/KatarzynaBialasiewicz

The Gist: This reviewer claimed that because they complained about the bad internet on the ship, they were taken into a room and interrogated by Guest Relations...and let’s not forget the bodycam that was (allegedly) present.

Best Quote: “Because I complained about the horrible internet service and calling my room repeatedly after 9pm, I was (after being refused information about the purpose) summoned to Guest Relations, put in a small room, interrogated and recorded on a bodycam.  When I complained to senior officers after I requested a meeting with them, I was basically told that this was fine with Celebrity and that if I complained again I would be sent off the ship so I spent the remainder of the cruise interacting as little as possible with the crew (my husband interacted including ordering my meals) as well as with other passengers. This was a terribly upsetting experience.”

Our Take: Exactly how much did this passenger have to complain about the internet for them to be “interrogated” and threatened to be kicked off the ship!? The only reasonable explanation here is that the reviewer unknowingly stumbled onto a vast cruise conspiracy. Unfortunately, tinfoil hats may interfere with your wi-fi reception.

3. Damned If You Do, Damned if You Don’t

Photo by Shutterstock/riekephotos

The Gist: This reviewer complained that Carnival Sunshine was ‘an old rust bucket,’ but proceeded to grumble that they were making improvements like painting and washing the windows.

Best Quote: “The Carnival Sunshine is an old rust bucket, during the cruise attendants were painting (YES! painting the ship).”

Our Take: Maybe it’s just us, but isn’t touching things up and cleaning a sign that indeed there is some care going into the upkeep of the ship? This reviewer didn’t seem to be happy with any aspect of their cruise.

4. They're Everywhere!

Photo by Thinkstock/Ljupco

The Gist: There were too many newbie cruisers on the voyage according to this reviewer, and because they didn’t know how everything works it put a damper on his vacation.

Best Quote: “[A lot] of blue card rookies for my taste but oh well that's my only complaint! I've noticed a lot of horrible reviews of this boat mostly from the blue cards that have ZERO clue how things are supposed to go and cry when they aren't first priority!”

Our Take: If only all rookie cruisers could be like this Loyalty Lizard, who immediately knew where everything was and how everything worked moments after stepping on board their first cruise ship.

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5. Killing Them Softly

Photo by Celebrity Cruises

The Gist: A guest detailed in this review how he felt that the crew members pampered him too much. How they survived such a terrible ordeal with their sanity intact, we’ll never know.

Best Quote: “The food and overall service was excellent however my natural aversion to being overly pampered made this somewhat uncomfortable at times. While I understand that this is part of the service we pay for on a cruise I was nonetheless uncomfortable at times.”

Our Take: We see a lot of complaints in our reviews, but this one just may take the cake. We haven’t met many people that don’t like to be pampered and taken care of...do you also insist on only going to buffets so you don’t have to be taken care of by a waiter in a restaurant?

6. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Photo by Shutterstock/nutcd32

The Gist: This family took a beautiful cruise to Alaska, but spent most of the review detailing how a piece of their luggage was broken and, though guest relations offered to pay for a repair, they would be considering other cruise lines for the future.

Best Quote: “That left a bad feeling for us through out our trip and we had a hard time bring our 3-wheeled luggage home. We are just going to throw our luggage away. I usually book our cruises with Carnival but I think we will consider other cruise lines from now on.”

Our Take: Damaged luggage sure can be a bummer and put a damper on the beginning of a trip, but seriously? This reviewer went as far as to give the entire cruise two stars…. Because of a broken suitcase wheel. Come on, we thought the point of an Alaska cruise is to, you know, enjoy Alaska.

7. Queen of the Castle

Photo by Shutterstock/Elnur

The Gist: This cruiser felt that their cabin was too far forward, when they booked a guarantee room (this means that they paid a lower rate to guarantee a certain stateroom category or higher, without being able to choose its location on the ship).  It was also too cold, their sushi wasn’t fancy enough, and the shower gel dispenser should have been full on Day 1.

Best Quote: “The cruise started out bad. At day one I noticed our shower gel quantity was less than a third full, I thought, maybe they will refill it after the first day. But nope, on the third day after I took shower the shower gel ran out and my mom can't take [a] shower (mind you, the shower gel is very light weight, so it took some gel to wash our body). In conjunction to the lack of service of filling the shower gel, my room was horribly cold (yes, cold at Caribbean). Both my mom and I had to wear jacket to sleep so we don't catch cold.”

Our Take: Cheap sushi, an unfilled shower gel dispenser, and a chilly cabin totally ruined the cruise experience for this unhappy reviewer. Maybe they should stick to road trips and all-inclusive resorts. (PS: we hear bar soap works just as well as shower gel when in a pinch!)

8. Is your computer missing some keys?

Photo by Thinkstock/kaesan

The Gist: A reviewer writes a 336-word review without any punctuation. At all.

Best Quote: “Was very dissatisfied with our cruise all of the activities were things to get you to buy stuff nothing was really fun and outgoing the food was okay I was very upset that the dining room that they had for free have the exact same menu but listed different types of food that they would sell when you read the menu they were the exact same nothing was different on top of it even though our room service cleaning lady was very very nice we only received one towel animal and I found out that you get a towel animal every night of your cruise also Carlo’s Bakery is no longer there that is one thing I was really looking forward to and they took it out last year the Margaritaville Bar that they have in there that claims to be Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville was so stupid it didn't even have any kind of excitement that you would think of when they have Margaritaville the casino ripped you off you don't win anything ever tons of people were losing money nobody was making any money…”

Our Take: We can’t believe how out of breath we are just reading this and wow you’d think any bar that serves a good margarita is a great bar but I guess some people just look for misery during their vacation and is it hot in here because I feel like it is and wait do I hear the money wasting casino calling my name?