The Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2015

2015 isn’t even over yet, but we’ve already received a whopping 12,792 reviews. The vast majority of those reviews are informative and useful, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. But every once in awhile, we’ll get reviews that make us laugh out loud, furrow our brows, or scratch our heads (and sometimes, slam them on the table). Here are just a few of those reviews:

1. Who do Voodoo?

Voodoo really isn't all that scary when you look into it. - Photo by Vera Petruk / Shutterstock

The Gist: Reviewer warns Christians to stay away from the heathen “West Indies.”

Best Quote: “This is the worst cruise and should have been billed as a west Indies cruise . For Christians going to the west Indies is not good . It is full of darkness and VooDoo.”

Our Take: Apparently, this reviewer didn’t know that despite its representation in American pop culture, Voodoo and Christianity are surprisingly similar.

2. The Mystery of The Delayed Flush Toilets

We get lots of feedback on bathrooms, but not the toilet specifically. - Photo by Thanaphat Somwangsakul

The Gist: Reviewer claims that toilet doesn’t flush until a neighbor’s toilet flushes as well.

Best Quote: “We found that toilet flushes in our stateroom were queued with flushes from other staterooms. Sometimes, there was no noticeable delay between a button push and an actual flush. More often, there was a 20~30 second delay. In quite a few instances (around 8 a.m. or before we were about to disembark for shore excursions), there was a 5-minute delay (I actually timed this delay several times)!”

Our Take: This verified review was one of the strangest we’ve received, but it’s hard to see someone making this up out of nowhere precisely because it’s so odd. Still, the image of someone staring at a used toilet nervously waiting for it to flush while listening for flushes of nearby bathrooms sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler movie.

3. Risky Business

We don't get many scandalous reviews, so this one was kind of fun. - Photo by coka / Shutterstock

The Gist: Reviewer [allegedly] sees an officer on the ship enlist the services of a "prostitute."

Best Quote: “I saw first hand prostetution (sic) on board. I observed an officer make a deal with a hooker & bring her into crew quarters.”

Our Take: This was an unverified review so take it with a LARGE grain of salt, especially since the reviewer doesn’t make it very clear how they knew for sure it was a prostitute and not just another passenger. Still, we were still curious about this one and apparently, prostitution is still illegal in international waters (according to the internet, anyway).

4. Standing up for the Servers

A good bartender deserves your support and respect, not your overreaction. - Photo by Norwegian Cruise Line

The Gist: Reviewer is outraged when informed by his bartender that of the 18% gratuity on drinks, bartenders only receive “3.5%-4%.”

Best Quote: “So why do NCL tell passengers it's 18%? Who knows...maybe they should rewrite it as "the hardworking barman will get 4% and NCL will grab the other 14%..." More displays of greed from NCL…”

Our Take: No one wants to hear that their servers are being taken advantage of, and clearly, this reviewer’s heart was in the right place when they gave the cruise a two-star rating. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of their head. It’s pretty common that bartenders and servers and bartenders split their tips with the rest of the staff, and NCL openly says gratuities and service charges also support “crew welfare” and other things of that nature.

5. Rigged Contest

Was this diamond raffle fixed? - Photo by Ufuk Zivana / Shutterstock

The Gist: Captain’s girlfriend or wife wins a diamond ring at a jewelry store contest.

Best Quote: “I was totally speechless when the captains wife/girlfriend won the diamond ring at the jewelry store. It was fixed from the start and he even came with her. Of course he did not look surprised.”

Our Take: Actually, that is kind of messed up. She probably shouldn’t have entered the contest from the beginning to avoid this scenario, but still, jumping straight to a conspiracy seems a tad dramatic.

6. Mountain out of a $5 Mole Hill

All of this over five dollars. - Photo by romagnat / Shutterstock

The Gist: Bartender does not correctly void a $5 transaction, reviewer moves heaven and earth to have it fixed.

Best Quote: “The bartender doesn't know how to void a transaction correctly, or he did void it correctly but the computer system doesn't update it corrrectly (?). After the Customer Service Desk gave customer zero-balance bill, it doesn't update its computer billing system that's why on the disembark day the computer still shows that "there is an outstanding balance". Norwegian MUST clear this mess.”

Our Take: No one likes being overcharged, but for all the time this person put into trying fix this (spending time at the purser’s desk and then writing an incredibly detailed 400-word explanation in a review), we have to assume that the reviewer could have easily made up the $5 (and then some) even at a minimum-wage job.

7. Ready to Take Charge

This reviewer sounded ready to pick up a mop and start cleaning. - Photo by ifong / Shutterstock

The Gist: Reviewer gives very detailed instructions on what areas of the ship could use better cleaning.

Best Quote: “1. need bleach in bathrooms clean and paint rust on metal frames

2 dust and take down drapes wash and iron clean carpet under closet door 2 inch section clean dust on top of door frames clean all vent covers

3 clean all display and tops of pictures in halls . marco dining clean horns outside wait station

4 take tarp of the front windows by reflections also clean up outside and new astro turf outside of the windows ugly looking out of windows” 

Our Take: Is this a review or a work order? We get specific recommendations from reviewers all the time, but it’s not very often we get step-by-step cleaning instructions.

8. Never Has So Much Been Made out of So Little

The word interrogation may have been a tad too strong. - Photo by photographee.eu / Shutterstock

The Gist: Reviewer waits in line for a long time, sums up experience in 1,411-word novella you have to read for yourself.

Best Quote: “PS I voice tapped our interrogation with your officer.”

Our Take: We have to believe most of this is true based on the sheer amount of effort this reviewer went through to write this review, but it becomes increasingly more absurd when they describe NCL’s attempt to get to the bottom of the incident as an “interrogation” and an “invasion of privacy.”