The Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2016 (Part 1)

We’ve seen our fair share of weird reviews (being a cruise site and all) but sometimes, even we can’t fully comprehend what we’re reading. For your reading pleasure, we compiled some of the strangest cruise reviews we’ve received in 2016 (so far) so you can laugh, cringe, and furrow your brows along with us. Enjoy, and be sure to stay tuned for Part 2 in December!

1. Counting the Baked Beans

Photo by Jim Pruitt

The Gist: We never thought we would use the phrase “bean counter” literally, and then we read this review.

Best Quote: "In the buffet was a sign saying FULL BUFFET, well it was neither full nor was it a buffet. Most of the items were served to you - more over the portions were ridiculously small…. The second day we decided [to] count what was on the plate. Well I had been served 9 baked beans and my wife 14!!!!! The portions were a complete joke."

Our Take: Going as far as to count the beans seems a tad dramatic, but to be fair, they were probably hungry from the tiny portions they were being served.

2. Somebody please think of the children crew!

Photo by Holland America Line

The Gist: A cruiser spends their entire review voicing concerns about the welfare of the employees.

Best Quote: “It was a concern of most people that the employees of Princess Lines have more time off to visit the stops where the ship docks or at least know something about the islands where the ship stops. On questioning one of the female employees for info on one of the stops I was shocked that she had never been off the ship on that island. What about giving them a tour of the islands and some information about the islands on their day off.”

Our Take: It’s touching when a reviewer shows their concern for the well-being of the crew, but a little odd when they spend their entire review writing about nothing else. Working on a cruise ship isn’t easy, but it’s not exactly a day in the salt mines either.

3. If this boat’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.

Photo by pryzmat

The Gist: Two lovebirds had their night interrupted by an insistent crewmember.

Best Quote: “We also had a staff member interrupt our Valentine's evening by banging incessantly on our door at 10pm. Given that it was Valentine's day, on vacation, in the evening, we were obviously otherwise engaged and did not answer. However, we saw that it was a cruise employee because when we looked out our peephole, she had a name tag on and was in uniform. Instead, we yelled that we were busy multiple times. The woman continued knocking, however. It was extremely disruptive of what was supposed to be a romantic night together. We were both unnerved and upset.”

Our Take: They should have tried the strategy we use on door-to-door sales reps: answer the door naked. That usually gets the message across. Or you could always put a sock on the doorknob like we did in college.

Caribbean Cruise Deals

4. You’re on the wrong cruise line.

Photo by Fotofermer

The Gist: A high-class reviewer bemoans the lack of white glove service on Oasis of the Seas.

Best Quote: “[The waiter] brought my wife's soup and appetizer AT THE SAME TIME, he didn't clear our entrée plates before handing us the dessert menu, he didn't pour the cream into the soufflé, [and] he brought my wife's coffee in a BREAKFAST mug instead of a cup and saucer.”

Our Take: We got goosebumps just from reading this. How did his wife ever manage to drink her coffee from a *gasp* coffee mug?

5. Would you mind watching my kids for the next week?

Photo by Royal Caribbean

The Gist: A parent thinks they should not have to watch their own kids on vacation.

Best Quote: “They have certain time when you can leave your kids, what i was thinking it should be 24 hour service. parents could relax and enjoy, or if you guys can provide baby sitter.”

Our Take: Cruise lines already offer an incredible amount of childcare options. If that’s not enough for you, you should probably ask Grandma and Grandpa what they’re up to that week.

6. Day by Dayyy

Photo by Shutterstock.com

The Gist: An unsatisfied cruiser makes an incredibly detailed list of everything that was wrong with their cruise, even going as far as to organize it chronologically.

Best Quote: “4/11- Wooden coffee stirrers with room service breakfast - how about a SPOON?
-Should have Lactaid milk- only option offered for lactose intolerance was soy milk
4/12- I told my steward- twice, and the front office- twice- about a problem in my stateroom. It never was resolved
4/13- Brought breakfast at 9:16- card marked 9:30-10:00.
4/14- stewards talking loudly in the hall every morning. I don't mind talking, but their voices were louder than they needed to be. Some guests are still asleep at 8am!
- Excursion returned 45 minutes late, missed bingo”

Our Take: The original list is about four times this long. To achieve this level of accuracy they must have been noting their complaints during the cruise on an Excel spreadsheet.

7. Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of the Shelled Eggs

Photo by Lost Mountain Studio

The Gist: In addition to a variety of complaints about the food, this cruiser spends 322 words detailing their search for shelled eggs.

Best Quote: “The next morning, I asked for an omelet and was told that the ship did not have shelled eggs. I spoke to the manager who also informed me that they did not have shelled eggs. I asked if I could purchase eggs at the next port, bring them onto the ship and to have the cook prepare them. I was informed that I could not bring eggs onto the ship. While walking back to the table, John approached me and asked if I was able to get the shelled eggs. I explained to him what happened, we walked back to the same manager, and, to my surprise, he brought out shelled eggs. Later in the week, one of the workers told me that it cost too much to make eggs “from chickens,” and they were told not to put them where the “passengers could see them because they would want them instead of the powdered eggs.”

Our Take: There’s not much we can say about this befuddling mystery, except perhaps to respond to this reviewer's comment "I wish someone would teach Holland Cruise Lines the meaning of taking a vacation" by saying we wish someone would do the same for you.