The Weirdest Cruise Reviews of 2018 (Part 1)

The time has come yet again for one of our most popular articles of the year: the craziest, strangest cruise reviews for the first half of 2018. As always, we found some doozies. While some reviews are just ridiculous, others genuinely reflect unusual cruising experiences.

Without further ado, here's our 2018 weirdest reviews, part one!

1. The 911 Call

The Gist: This reviewer called 911 from in their cabin to see “if someone would answer.”

Best Quote: “It was disappointing that no one was answering the phones - room service, guest services, medical center and including 911 (we didn't need it, but just wanted to try if someone would answer in case there's a need). Someone finally came to our room, we requested management to try harder.”

Our Take: Remember when you were a kid, and your parents told you to never call 911 unless there was a real emergency or you were just really bored? Yeah, we don’t remember that last part either.

2. Things You Shouldn’t Joke About 101

The Gist: After a fall in their cabin bathroom on embarkation day and a rough first night at sea, this reviewer fell into a “depression” over it and proceeded to tell the ship’s doctor that they had thoughts of jumping off the ship. 

Best Quote: “I essentially stayed in bed most of the time, but did go to a couple of shows and try to eat dinner. However, I did feel depressed….Today we reached our first port in Hilo, Hawaii. Last night, I asked my husband to go to customer service and cancel our shore excursions. We had paid about $1,500.00, and I felt ill and could barely lift my arm...When my husband tried to cancel the shore excursions, they said that I would have to see the ship's physician. My husband asked if they had a psychiatrist, because I was not only physically sick, but depressed. They asked him if I was suicidal, and he replied that I had mentioned having thoughts of wanting to jump off of the ship because I really, really, really wanted to get off of that rust bucket. All hell broke loose. They expelled us from the ship, and put a guard outside of my room. It was the most humiliating experience of my life.”

Our Take: Let us be very clear here. Telling the ship’s physician you plan to jump off the ship is the same thing as telling your psychiatrist you plan to commit suicide. They will put you on suicide watch, and try to get you out of harm's way as soon as possible. If you are feeling suicidal you should absolutely seek help, but if you’re not and you say something like that for dramatic effect, it’s kind of like joking about bombs in front of a TSA agent and getting upset when it doesn’t go over well.

3. Vodka isn't for kids.

The Gist: This reviewer’s little kid intends to get a glass of pineapple juice at the bar, but ends up with a much stronger drink instead.

Best Quote: “Well she made him a nice glass of vodka pineapple juice. He say mommy it taste funny I said it’s probably water down from the ice so he drink a little more. Then he said mommy it really taste funny so I tasted it and it was a nice strong vodka pineapple juice.”

Our Take: Rowdy children on cruise ships are already a problem, and the last thing they need is a Bay Breeze to take their disruptive behavior to the next level. Carnival and other cruise lines should follow the lead of Royal Caribbean and add Coke Freestyle machines for passengers with the soda package to keep them away from the bar. On a final note, there’s a kid that drinks (and actually likes) pineapple juice?

4. Which "orphan" should I save?

The Gist: This reviewer went on a 967-word rant about the money flow in the cruising business, barely livable wages for the crew, and how she felt guilty being served and relaxing during her voyage.

Best Quote: “The poor dishwasher who sees no guests will never be promoted. And the ones who speak English and appear the most European/American or pass in the American/Western Culture are those who do not need to beg for tips to survive. I felt like I was at an orphanage trying to decide which orphan I was save--and which I would sell into slavery. This practice has to change. I want to be able to give immediate feedback about a crew or staff member that I interact with on board the ship when I have a great experience. Let me file my complaints by email a week later. You will be happier I guarantee it.”

Our Take: We support any effort to make sure ship crews receive adequate compensation, including adding gratuity charges to the cruise fare so they can’t be removed. But comparing paid workers who can leave whenever they wish to institutional slavery feels insulting to, you know, people who were (and are) actually slaves.

5. $100 Treasure Hunt

The Gist: Everyone likes to find cash, right? This reviewer left a crisp $100 bill somewhere aboard Adventure of the Seas for a lucky cruiser to find, and received confirmation at more recent dates that it still hadn’t been discovered.

Best Quote: “By the end of the week that 100 bucks was still there. Than 6 months later an employee I work with also went on Adventure of the Seas. To my surprise the bill was still hidden where I put it.”

Our Take: Maybe we’ve been doing this for too long, but we thought this was going to be a horrible review about how the bill was hidden in a dirty corner to prove that the crew must never clean the ship, but we were pleasantly surprised to see no malicious intent here!  We have to admit, hiding something simple like cash that anyone can use as a treat is quite a neat idea. Of course the person hiding it most likely wouldn’t get the satisfaction of ever finding out who found it and what they did with it, but it’s a nice gesture and fun little scavenger hunt.

6. Squirreling Away a Food Supply

The Gist: Read this review, and you’ll see that from the reviewer’s perspective, neither the crew nor Liberty of the Seas itself can do anything right. Special care was also taken to mention the disgraces that were the buffet food and drinks.

Best Quote: “The only forms of refreshment available were ice-water, iced-tea and lemonade (the latter two being significantly watered down) obtained from the cafés on the promenade, several floors up in the buffet (with obtusely scheduled opening hours and dose monitoring by staff), or from our “complimentary” room-service (with a $8 “service fee” ) that served it in tiny glasses that held less liquid than a shot glass.... We resorted to periodically squirreling away items of food and drink from the buffet to guarantee a source of refreshment that didn’t bleed us dry in other ways.”

Our Take: We aren’t even sure what to say to this review. Except maybe the reviewer should stick to dry land and find some 5-star restaurants to visit.